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Crunchy Cereal

I like Special K & for clarification that would be Special K Vanilla Almond. I used to enjoy just the simpler plain original Special K but as I have evolved as a human, so has my taste in Special K. I also could not tell you the last time I had cereal until this morning. It was like I had forgotten it was a breakfast option that I could enjoy so easily, with minimal preparation. Well I remembered how joyous it is to eat cereal but then I also remembered a few other things.

While I was sitting at my desk enjoying this new breakfast delight, I had a sudden feeling of loneliness. It was very distinct loneliness - in case you didn't know there were differences, LOL. It wasn't a loneliness for company; I didn't want to be surrounded by people or socialize or call up anyone on the phone (let's be honest, I never want to call anyone on the phone). It also wasn't a loneliness where I was unhappy to be by myself - I live with two full grown adults and could have easily walked downstairs to engage in conversation and visit with either of them & I didn't. This was a loneliness to sit with someone that you have a connection with; that person who knows you and you know them and there is a comfort in knowing you can just sit together, eating breakfast and not saying a word to each other. It was a feeling that was much deeper in my soul than most loneliness.

Not sure if you have felt it at some point as well but it is a hopeful loneliness because to feel this, it means you know what it feels like to have that connection with someone. You have made yourself vulnerable enough to experience it and bare your heart & soul to someone else on a level deep enough to get to that point. Kudos to you for that. It is not easy at all and probably the thing in life I long for the most but that also brings me the most fear. My heart is my biggest fan and my biggest enemy in life. Truthfully I think I am just unpacking a lot of it and realizing how much I have guarded my heart without knowing yet still being able to give it so openly to people closest to me in my life.

Interestingly enough, I have been called cold or seen as not being compassionate. Just a few weeks ago I got a fresh perspective from someone very important to me that they had observed the lack of emotion I share when someone close to me is upset, emotional or crying. This wasn't news to me; I know I do it & am very aware of it. It bothered me tremendously though. It bothered me because this is a person that I very much want to show emotions to and also ensure that I am expressing support & compassion.

Do you ever wonder if you could sit next to yourself in situations and just silently listen & watch? See what you look like (okay, maybe that would't be as enjoyable - but I am sure if I saw some of my facial expressions first hand, it would help me understand a lot) and listen to what you say. What does your tone sound like? Are you making sense? Do you sound like an asshole? Are you someone you would want to talk to? What do you think of you? Well we can't do that - as hard as I have tried. So sometimes we have to rely on the perceptions of other people to understand how we are presenting ourselves.

Of course you know I had to sit on this for a few days to understand why I am so stoic when people I care about are hurting. It was an easy explanation but much harder to break out of & not someone I need to break out of in every situation. I do think there is something beneficial to being able to be calm, hold space and help figure out solutions if necessary (as long as those emotions are processed and not stored). But I do want to be able to express these emotions when the situation allows for it and when I want to share that experience with the other person.

I am empathic. I can shut off emotions at work and in situations that don't impact my personal life or people who are close to me. When it involves someone my heart is deeply attached to, my gut reaction is to be strong for them and to show no emotion because if I allow myself to feel the emotions with them I will become so overwhelmed I might end up in a full blown hyperventilating cry because I can't hold my shit together. I mean we are talking ugly cry....all over, everywhere and very loud. That doesn't help anyone.

So I am going to try to breakdown the wall; this automatic response I inadvertently built for myself without knowing it. My tool: self awareness. My plan: literally talk to myself when it is happening to tell myself it is okay to turn the faucet on because I know I can turn it off.

Let me know if you have any pointers.

(side note: I actively cry on command for strangers on the street, commercials, music, movies, you name it. I am capable of crying - just to clear that up).

Let the water flow.

The Auryn

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