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The White Coat

I really like wearing black. If I take it back far enough I have really liked wearing it as long as I can remember. My favorite outfit from one of my banging birthday parties back in the day was a pair of black stirrup pants (who could resist pants that were guaranteed to stay in place?) and a loose black sweater, black knock-off Dr. Martens & a side swept hairdo that I would love to rock now but my hair doesn't want to stay on my head. In retrospect if I had this outfit right now I would be trending pretty hard, but I don't & I won't because I rocked it in the right time period.

Right now I am finding myself rejecting most of the clothing I own. This happens to be every 6 months to a year - especially in the last 3 years - but I will say this is the most severe rejection of my existing wardrobe I have ever experienced. I mean at this point it is borderline concerning, I think I could ultimately burn it all. Shoes, jewelry, shirts, sweaters, jackets, make-up......ALL OF IT. Usually I want a few new dresses or I want to try out a new style or just test out things that I inevitably hate when I try on because it just isn't me.

I went for a walk tonight. It was late so I needed to find a place that was well lit and felt safe to do a late night walk so I went to a local outdoor shopping center. I purposefully looked in the windows to see what would catch my eye - to see if I could get a glimpse of whatever new version of myself was trying to come through. Nothing felt right, including stores I used to dream about shopping in. There was one very simple dress in a store I have never heard of that caught my attention. It was simple, flowy, pretty feminine for my taste but it wasn't distracting. It was sexy in the most modest of ways, unfiltered, exposed in just the right areas and it wasn't hiding from anything. The dress would not catch your attention on it's own but the person in it, their most pure & true version of themselves underneath would capture it all. It was completely vulnerable.

It's funny when I write these, I don't know where they will always end up. I often get a title in my head that I think will help shape the post but then, like right now, I end up in a completely different place than I expected.

I knew that dress was significant - I went back to it to take a picture. While I was describing it I was looking at the picture & started to understand its purpose. Look, I am not trying to say that we should derive our deepest and most intuitive thoughts about ourselves window shopping in 23 degree weather at 10PM at night but I am definitely saying keep your eyes open because you just have no idea what you are trying to tell yourself.

I bought a long, white winter coat about a month ago. I tried not to buy the white one. I waited for the black one to come back in stock and kept the white one because I was sure I would return it. The white one actually fit so much better than the black. I tried to reject the damn white coat so many times. My sister even told me she thought the white coat looked more like me.

My point - I have had so many people comment on the white coat. Even just to say how white it is and how do I keep it clean. They notice it. It draws attention. I wanted to hide. I wanted to stay tucked away in the comfort of the black clothes from my childhood. There was another plan for me. White is the color of truth & I am sharing mine on a level I never would have before.

If you need a shopping partner anytime soon to find who's trying to emerge from you, just yell.

All. My. Love.

The Auryn

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