In true mid-life fashion, I absolutely procrastinated on writing this post. I had all the intentions of writing last week when I was in the throws of what very felt very much like a minor mid-life crisis/freak-out/breakthrough/bullshit. Shit just got weird.
Do you ever get that feeling in the pit of your stomach.....right in your gut or solar plexus (if you vibe with chakras) that feels completely uneasy, angsty, chaotic, turbulent and quite simply just fucked up? The only solution to this feeling was to pace around the room, awkwardly stop and just stare out the window while I got lost in my thoughts, walk outside just for a change of scenery and an attempt to ground myself. This wasn't a time where I wanted to call someone and talk it out. This wasn't a time for tarot cards or therapists. This was a time that I needed to just sit in the feeling. I mean literally sit (or stand) and let the thoughts come, the emotions move through my body and let it pass through because I knew it was temporary regardless of how uncomfortable.
I then proceed to continually ask myself the following: what is happening? am I crying because I watched too many episodes of Grace & Frankie? are these tears legit? what is my deal? nothing is wrong. why can't I feel content? pull your shit together. Jesus liz. am I officially going nuts? am I going to combust at some point from tension building up in my body? run. leave. quit everything. don't talk to anyone. why is everything making me angry? who am I? what do I really think? how did I get here? am I going to spend the rest of my life feeling completely frozen & stuck in my own head filled with nothing but fear and regret? I am really an asshole. why am I comparing myself? why am I not enough. drive. leave. retreat. write. share. live. CHANGE EVERYTHING.
I have become envious of people that feel content with anything. People that can appreciate the present and what they currently have and not walk around with this perpetual nagging feeling that you are selling yourself short. Not doing what you think you are supposed to do. You have settled. You are not challenging yourself. You are stuck inside your own mind + body. You are LIMITED.
This, in my opinion, is not an okay space to live. Actually, I would argue it is not a place of living and aliveness at all - it is simply a state of existence and survival. Somehow, I have allowed myself to reside in this space for the last few years (on & off). I want to spend the next phase of my life understanding and feeling what it means to be ALIVE from my spirt & my soul. My ego has lived a long 40 years and even though I can't completely release it, I won't let it be the driver of what remains.
Love. Joy. Peace. Connection. Spirit. Soul. Light. Music. Dance. Art. Vulnerability. Humor. Fun.
These are my dreams of the future and where I am headed. Care to join me?
Tonight I am not writing to you as The Auryn, but directly as Liz. She's been hiding for awhile and it's time she steps into her own light.
Stay Safe, Protected & Well.
Liz
I know those feelings Liz. I call them doubt and for me, they’re always hanging out on the fringe of my mind. So when I see something or feel something good they try to override that good feeling with want. Wanting something different or better Or more. It takes a conscious effort to push it away and revel in the now. It’s been a lifelong effort -dealing with want, but I seek joy. And to find joy I have to live in the present and soak up the good.
Keep seeking and LIVING Liz. It’s at your fingertips everyday. You bring so much love, emotion and insight to everyone. Thank you lovely lady!