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Locked Up

I want to run away today. Like Forrest Gump run - no destination, no planning and not sure when I'll stop, LOL.

I haven't felt like this in a few months. The odd part is usually I can pinpoint some aggressive emotion that's coming through and essentially trying to take over my head for the day; today it feels much more "outside" of me. It feels random, unplanned and a bit too intense for my liking. These are the days where self awareness is a nice thing to have but makes it ten times harder to utilize that awareness for good.

I sat down to do a Full Moon ritual with my sister. One of the things I like to do very much because it inevitably releases some emotions I've got locked up and I always feel better after.

Tonight I caught myself saying - in my head - "Fuck it. This is stupid. I don't want to do any of it." Literally the thoughts ran through my head very quickly and it didn't even feel like I thought it, but it was in my head. I felt agitated, I felt like I wanted to completely shutdown and suddenly all of this was stupid and pointless and I was an idiot.

Basically, I've established that right now, the way I am feeling is forcing me to see the part of myself that I don't want to have anymore. You know the two voices you have sitting on either shoulder and one is good and keeps you all kinds of positive and peppy and the other makes you want to lash out at the next person you encounter and makes you feel like the lamest person alive? HAHA

This is when I get lost in my mind and become disconnected from my core/heart/intuition/anything else you want to call it.

This is important to call out for myself and anyone else that might feel it. This is real life; no matter how much you work on yourself, you have to do the same work every day and some days you will be more successful than others.

I found myself wanting to disconnect from all people, bury myself in a bunker somewhere (even though I've never stayed in a bunker and think I would get extremely claustrophobic if I did) and shutdown all my emotions. The scary part about all of it, is I could do it.

I felt myself wanting to put my mask on again. I found myself wanting to hide my light and who I am because it didn't feel safe. Do you know the only reason it didn't feel safe? Because of my own narratives I created in my own head. Not anyone else. Not anything else. Me. I am in complete control of the voices talking to each other - it's just a matter of which one I let take over.

So I pushed myself a bit and I talked to my sister. I pulled an oracle card from a new deck I bought today just to get some clarity on what I should focus on in this moment.

Do you know what that card said (and my sister reiterated)? Don't hide behind a mask; be true to yourself because you are only living this life once.

I can't make this stuff up.

It also helps to have a sister or a person you can expose yourself too (which is something very new for me, that I didn't allow for the last 30 years) who will put you back in line and tell you to get your shit together b/c your inside voices are getting a bit out of hand.

Don't run. You'll only end up back with yourself in the end.

Take care,

The Auryn

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