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Tonight I find myself in a completely different place, literally; a very quaint Airbnb in Savannah. Surprisingly the space itself feels like it was meant for me (+ my sister). We find ourselves not wanting to leave and something about it just feels connected. It is amazing to me how a change in scenery + energy can produce so many thoughts........

I'm getting ready for bed but felt like I couldn't rest until I had a chance to unload/process/release some stuff I don't really want to hold onto anymore. If you are up/awake with me, it's good to be with you. 🙂

To prepare to write - b/c you know, there is a process - I turned on one of my Spotify playlists I have on rotation at the moment. This one is accurately titled "Energy" & has become my go to for writing & sleeping. I started to write tonight & had one of those moments where a song just adequately encompasses all of your emotions/thoughts/feelings/energy with just the first few seconds. I don't know if it is comforting or overwhelming. The song for tonight:

As you know at this point, I haven't talked much about my relationship directly.

I've definitely eluded to the change/transformation/energy/emotions that I have gone through over the last several months but not any details. Honestly, I won't go into many details about the relationship and it's end because I think the more important parts for me to focus on are the emotions + processing + learning + moving forward.

With that I think it is relevant to note that I was in a relationship with a woman for the last 13 (almost 14) years. We, by choice, never got married or had kids but it was an extensive relationship and I'm fortunate to say that we still have a very strong friendship. We are working through what that will continue to evolve into as life changes. For the moment, it is a positive & strong friendship & I care for her in a way I can't even describe; into the depths of my soul.

But that doesn't mean it still isn't painful & that I am not still encountering random bouts of grief and emotions that quite frankly, I don't want to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I know I have to - I know that is how I ended up here in the first place & it is part of this phase but fuck, I don't like it!!!!!!!!!

This is true vulnerability for me. I don't open up about my relationships or my emotions tied to them easily or to most people. I keep feeling like I need to push myself to change that now - that I can't keep repeating the same behavior.

Tonight I am reminded of the parts that still bother me (and honestly my eyes are starting to tear up while I write this which only confirms the importance). I recognize, fully, that I do not want to be in the relationship any longer. As cliche as it sounds, I am not the same person & neither is she. If we met at this current juncture of life, we would never have dated & we both agree on that b/c we have talked about it. Our futures are headed in very different directions.

Unfortunately it doesn't mean I don't grieve what we did have. It doesn't make it easier to recognize all the places I no longer fit into her life. That I am no longer a part of her family (I was very close to her family), the house we still own together is no longer a place that I live but only a storage space of memories and shit I don't really need anymore. That the life I just lived for 13 years has basically dissolved - a relationship I fought stubbornly to keep for a long time (too long) - is also gone.

It is amazing to me that we can move forward and we can cry and mourn and be angry and sad and empowered and rejuvenated and afraid and lost all very quickly in the months after the loss of a relationship - but it is very hard to separate the true grief and sadness from the ego, victimization, control and expectations. I have come to realize that these are the majority of emotions we feel & think we are dealing with during a break-up.

We seem to bypass the true severity of the connection & love & loss felt at the core of our soul; the part that feels like it turns your insides out and turns your gut like a tight rope because the truth is, at the core of those real emotions holds accountability for our own actions in the relationship. All the things we didn't do or couldn't do or weren't capable of doing. That's becoming the hardest pill to swallow.

I'm at the point now where it is true grief - when it does come through - and it is overwhelming when it happens & I want to turn it off. I REALLY WANT TO TURN IT OFF. But I know it will just settle inside my soul and prevent me from ever finding myself or anyone else in the future.

I catch myself daydreaming of a future relationship and all the things I didn't have in my last. The traits I want to look for in a partner, how wonderful it will be and it is a beautiful, sunny, starry-eyed filled image until I realize I am also a part of that equation - just like I was in the relationship that ended because I couldn't make it work.

That's where I realize I want to be ready for my next relationship. The soul shaking, sunny, starry-eyed one in my head but I'm not finished beating myself up for the relationship I am grieving. I'm not done not feeling good enough or worthy or like somehow I wasn't useful enough - and all of these thoughts are brought on by myself and nobody else. I am alone now; there is no scapegoat.

I literally have to tell myself - in my head - to sit in "IT". Process "IT", deal with "IT". Do not run from "IT" and "IT" is the one thing I have always been most afraid my entire life. Afraid because I don't trust myself with "IT" > my emotions. I don't trust that I can handle them or that I am strong enough to feel them because my spirit is so incredibly sensitive.

This is the true healing - at least that is my hope/dream. Also brings new meaning to the Stephen King movie/book....."IT." My version is much scarier, I promise. 😂😂😂

I know.....I know......not my most uplifting/entertaining blog. Sorry about that but if it is any consolation - I feel a wee bit better. 🤷‍♀️😚

Take care,

The Auryn

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