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Time Travel

Intuitive driving is one of my favorite things. Sometimes, intuitive driving happens unintentionally and then I think to myself okay - where is this taking me and let's see why. Inevitably there is always a reason and I let go and go along with the plan set in front of me.

***Intuitive driving is what I do when I just need to get lost in my mind, in my heart and in my car. I (b/c I am fortunate enough to have a car) will just start driving some days, turn on music and literally see where I end up; I will use my intuition to decide when and where to turn and what direction to go. It is a freeing experience, a great test of your intuition and always, always ends up teaching me something. I highly recommend or better yet - feel free to come on a ride with me sometime.****

I did some unintentional intuitive driving. I was driving home after visiting a few friends and took the wrong exit on the highway. I then realized that this mistake was taking me back to where I lived over a year ago when my life was in a completely different place.

You would think that it wouldn't be a big deal or that impactful; I have made this trip many times and it was only about 10 minutes away from my actual destination. But it felt very, very surreal and different and overwhelming.

I was actually caught off guard. I quickly realized that just a little over a year ago this same exact situation would be happening. I would be driving home from seeing friends and heading home to see my girlfriend at the time in the condo we lived in together for 10 years.

It was hard for me to separate and truly grasp the difference in time; I felt like part of my brain thought we were in the past and were going to head home to that condo and she would be waiting for me. Part of my brain kept thinking - no, you idiot, you don't live there and that isn't your life anymore - you don't even have the same car!

I started to cry. Again - not a normal reaction for me for most things but I guess I have to stop saying that now b/c it happens more frequently, LOL.

The weird part was I couldn't identify why I was crying. Was I crying because I missed that life? I missed having someone to come home to? I was sad that I let myself live that life unhappily (for both of us) for so long? Was I crying just because I was processing/grieving what is no longer there? Was I crying tears of relief that I have made it this far through the process of a break-up/life changing situation? I honestly still can't tell you why I was hit with such overwhelming emotion in this situation.

What I do know - I NEEDED that to happen. It wasn't comfortable. I didn't like it and I felt stupid and weak and even partly ashamed but there was a voice in the back of my head that knew it needed to happen. I told myself - sit with it, let it process, sit with it (which is now my go to saying for every uncomfortable emotion/feeling I don't want to have).

I did realize, once I started to come out of the emotional fog, that I felt lonely. I felt lonely beyond my wonderful friends, family, sister, animals, etc.

Don't worry though - it was/is a necessary lonely. I realized I need to find a way to be comfortable with this loneliness because no person is ever going to fill it and the minute I try to find someone to do that, I will end up back where I have been so many times before.

I won't allow myself to do that this time. Plus - I have you now + writing. ❤️

Take care,

The Auryn

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