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I'm rather obsessed.

Updated: Jan 13, 2021

I have a lot to tell you but I think we can get to that later. You landed here somehow and I think the rest will figure itself out. I am no different than a lot of people right now, my life has been completely upended (all of which I take complete responsibility; hindsight is a bitch + manifestation works). But I don't want to start the blog with a bunch of heaviness and unnecessary chatter - besides, our world is slightly out of control right now and like many, I am looking for an outlet. I guess it seemed like a great time to start a blog; something I have intended to do for too many years and well, procrastination.

I am going through my own heart reset - my attempt at putting a positive spin on my long term relationship ended and I am seeking hope for the future - so I found hope in the place so many of us do, Netflix.

**It is important to note I am a 38 year old cisgender female who identifies as gay. It will make the rest of the post just a bit more interesting (just a bit).

In my post holiday desperation to find hope, I wandered to the top trending movies on Netflix and found myself in the beginning credits of "After we Collided." If you aren't familiar, This is the second installment from the original movie "After" released in 2019. I immediately realized I was missing a major element of the story and back tracked to watch "After" Ultimately I was sleeping on the pull out couch of my parents house and needed something to do. Of course once I finished "After" I had to follow-up with "After we Collided."

I, very awkwardly, became obsessed. No joke, I have watched both movies (usually back-to-back) at least 10 times now. This is obviously not a highlight of my life existence so far, but I felt like it might be a great place to try to figure some shit out in my head.

Josephine Langford & Hero Fiennes Tiffin play the main characters, Tessa & Hardin ❤️

First of all, I very quickly realized I had developed a crush on the character of the lead male actor. Again, I am 38 & like girls. The movie is about two college kids that find an unexpected romance with a modern twist on a story line that reminds you slightly of Pride & Prejudice. After I stopped feeling like I was starting to develop some sort of pedophilic tendency in the midst of my life transformation (or breakdown, however you define it), I started to realize what was happening.

This was a story about a young love that hasn't been tainted by life. The layers and baggage of previous relationships that ended are not weighing them down and they aren't adults. They aren't afraid, over analyzing their feelings, emotions or thoughts. They are truly just going through the emotions of finding someone that understands you and makes you feel whole and valued for the first time. I know, I can be dramatic, but these are my thoughts.

I realized that my obsession was coming from what I felt was missing in my relationship that recently ended. I lost that feeling of being valued. I lost my sense of self (to nobody's fault but my own) and I have ultimately forgotten who I was. I continued to watch this movie to have hope that there might be (an adult version) of this kind of relationship still out there for me. This story makes me want to get to a place where I find a relationship where both partners care for each other equally; one where we celebrate the weird-ness that each brings. One that I might allow to dig deeper into the parts that I have hidden because I will be comfortable enough to share myself and do so in a way that is celebrated and healthy.

Some might think that's way too deep for a dumb, young, Netflix love story. Maybe it is. But for me, it forced me to dig a little bit deeper to figure out what was hiding behind my distraction. Our subconscious works in really embarrassing, awkward ways :)

Now I am really curious to see what else I uncover writing this blog.

Take care.

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